This Year’s Christmas

Dec 262012
 

I took down my last post (re:end of 2012) because it was lame.

I wish I could write an interesting post about my Christmas, but I’m drawing a blank. For once, it was a pleasant one: A Build-Your-Own Grand Slam at Denny’s for lunch, Django Unchained in the afternoon. When you’re childless and single, I think the best Christmas is a non-Christmas. Breakfast food and Tarantino movies make me happy. And what doesn’t scream CHRISTMAS more than exaggerated pre-Civil War violence and the n-word repeated 110 times in three hours? –I kid, I kid.

In the evening, my young niece and nephew in California showed off their new toys to me via Skype. After they were done, I opened the presents they wrapped and mailed to me. One of the gifts they gave me was Dr. Seuss’ Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? It’s a hardcover and I plan on slapping it against my forehead whenever I need to be reminded of my good fortune.

(pinmyimage.info via Neva on Pinterest)

I hope your Christmas was everything you wanted to be, and that you were able to have a moment to remember how lucky you are…

“Good Guys” and Online Dating

Dec 182012
 

For the most part, I’ve been away from the online dating scene for over a year now. The Tumblr blog Nice Guys of OKCupid confirms I made the right decision to stay the fuck away from it. I don’t like the aspect of Internet culture that encourages humiliation but, man, these guys are asking for it.

Fellas, I’m going to try to help you out here. As a general rule of thumb, bitterness will not get you pussy. Also, don’t mention the following in your online dating profile if you want to get anywhere with the ladies:

  1. “I’m always stuck in the friendzone.” If you’re constantly being put in the friendzone, there’s a reason for that. Thanks for the warning.

  2. “I like sex/beer/Star Wars/Lord of The Rings.” Thank you for stating the obvious. Dude, we already know.

  3. “I’m a good guy.” Mentioning this is kind of like telling someone when a joke is funny.

  4. Don’t badmouth your ex. Because when you do it makes me want to hear her side of the story. Also, it makes you sound like a dick, regardless of what she did or didn’t do to you.

  5. “I’m not like other guys.” In my personal experiece, the guy’s not lying. He isn’t like ‘other guys’…he’s worse.

  6. Use common sense when choosing a username. nofatchickz? jizzfactory? really?!?!?

And that’s just what I’ve got off the top of my head. Care to add any suggestions, ladies?

Desensitized, but not totally

Dec 122012
 

It’s finally happened here. A nutjob wearing all black, carrying assault rifles into a public place, shots fired, innocent people killed, witnesses scarred forever. Lone-wolf terrorism. Our country has been here before, we know how it plays out. This isn’t the first time a location familiar to me has seen a random act of violence, and, sadly, it won’t be the last.

I could walk across the street to the 7-11 right now and buy a winning lottery ticket. Or I could walk over there and get shot during a robbery. I’m always thinking about shit like this. After what I’ve been through with my health problems, I know that anything can happen, and shit happens all of the time. It’s cynical, I know, but I don’t let it stop me from doing things and that’s what matters.

As you can tell by my last post, I’m pretty bah-humbug this time of year. But I couldn’t help tearing up watching the Clackamas Town Center Santa interviewed, in character, after the shootings took place. It fills my heart with a little bit of hope. But I guess that’s what the idea of Santa is all about.

Keeping Christmas Funny (On Television)

Dec 102012
 

In the year 3,000, Santa is an evil robot that, due to a programing error, judges and punishes harshly. Nobody leaves cookies for this Santa; They lock their doors and stay off of the street. And in present-day Greendale, Colorado, a study group with members that are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Jehovah’s Witness, agnostist, athiest, and “born-again Buddist” always make the best of the holidays. What’s not to love? If that’s not the true meaning of Christmas, then I don’t know what is.

Futurama episodes with evil Robot Santa (via Comedy Central):
Xmas Story
A Tale of Two Santas
Holiday Spectacular

Community X-mas shows; I’m not crazy about the stop-animation one (Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas), but the other two are comedy gold (via Hulu.com):
Comparative Religion
Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas
Regional Holiday Music

If It Doesn’t Go Away, Come Back

Nov 302012
 

I finally got it together and published an ebook via Amazon Direct Publishing. You don’t need a Kindle to read it; click here for instructions on how you can access books for Kindle on your computer, tablet, and smartphone. Check it out! And special thanks to my good friends Linda and Heather for helping me with the cover illustration and editing!

Some Early Morning Grouchies

Nov 262012
 

I can handle pain well, but with fevers I’m a mess. Even with the smallest rise in body temperature, I freak out. An impending sense of doom kicks in along with the sweats and chills, the nausea, and the overall weakness of every part of my body. You’d think I’d be emotionally used to the shit by now. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m having some PTSD issues because it seems to get worse over time, not better.

I was up all last night with a mild fever. I feel better this morning. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, and I had the last 10 years full of one thing or another.

I hate this time of year. December holds so many bad memories. Overall, 2012 has really bit my ass. I can’t wait to start a new year…again.

I am Ready For My Holidays (To Be Over)

Nov 242012
 

It’s sadly appropriate that I watched Sunset Boulevard (amazon, netflix) at home, alone on Thanksgiving. This year is going to be a Norma Desmond holiday for me, I can feel it. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go paint my fingernails hot pink, ignore all of my failures, and pretend I am someone else.

Betty Schaefer: Don’t you sometimes hate yourself?
Joe Gillis: Constantly.
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